Something has happened over the past 12 days of these Pacific Northwest travels that has been unexpected. In my movement I’ve had an intense desire for connectedness and the realization that, in the course of these travels, especially as a person with an impulse not to find roots, that this form of connectedness seems so elusive. As I remarked today over brunch, being an outsider affords you a special kind of consciousness, but you also see things from this position of a deep want for something you cannot quite put into language.
In every city, however, familiar moments creep in. Today over brunch, an art gallery, and those Sundays spent outdoors with any specific purpose in mind were like any possible weekend in San Francisco. At the same time, however, my impending departure in just a few hours seemed to envelop the entire situation. There was always this looming feeling that so soon I’d be so far from this familiarity. It might be a consequence of such an intensely paced, multi-month trip, but I also think that throughout my string of cities I’ve lived in, I’ve felt somehow that where I was living, even if there were familiar moments, did not represent the way I needed to live.
In just 3 hours I’ll be on a plane back to San Francisco, but only 2 days this time, as a visitor passing though. I’m always passing through now, as everything seems so intangible. As Yves Klein said once, “Love Live the Immaterial!” Desire is, of course, intangible and fluid, shifting as quickly as the landscape goes by when you’re speeding down Main St on the bus. But queer desire also wants to be realized and actualized, so the tension that is playing itself out now is precisely the need to move and the want to not be outside at the same time.